This volume, my first and very first, contains poems starting from April 2005 to September 2005. I don't know why I chose such a short time for it, but as the title says, it is the beginning. Like an open door to what I was about to write and reach. :)
It contains six chapters:
I. My Four Angels
II. Angels' Dark World
III. A Walk Through Feelings
IV. Life's Gifts and Curses
V. The Rainbow
VI. Jennifer Cheyenne Williams
I shall not include any poetry written in chapter one, the reason being personal. The poems were only four, each dedicated to one person representing something to me back then. Hope, strength, and things as such. The following were: Lisa, Jan, Jenna and Jennifer.
I have no more comments regarding the subject.
Again, I do not consider this chapter as good enough to be posted and be called my best of. There is, however one poem I consider to be good enough for a starter, although some aspects bother me a lot. This chapter five poems... I shall share one with you. So here it is...
Night comes, darkening Earth and the sky,
Also darkening my soul, as I start to cry;
I see the devils in the dark, between my tears,
My heart screams out, as grow my fears;
I do not know what is, and not real, in my head,
But these fears, are a thread.
I faint of fear and tiredness,
In my dreams, it still reigns - the darkness;
Devilish creatures do not roam here,
For here, worse interfere;
Werewolves hunt me in hunger of my flesh,
My heart beats hard, almost escaping my chest;
Vampires thirst for my blood,
As my eyes, with tears, flood.
That is not the worse, it's just the start,
For there is more horror, of which to take part;
As I walk on lonely streets, enjoying silence,
I get followed, and do not notice their presence;
Then suddenly I get attacked,
Caught, hidden and raped;
I feel the pain, for real, as it hurts me,
I cry and cannot wake up, bear it, so it be.
It's one of the most hurtful moments,
To be asleep, and feel helpless in face of my own mind;
Trying to get out, and there's no way to find.
These are the three poems which I wish to share from this chapter... some are weird and some have a certain significance to me... :)
So many people around, still alone,
Emptyness inside, feelings gone,
Thrown away, thrown aside,
Feel lost, broken inside.
Heart broken, eyes with tears,
Being angry, covering my ears;
Never want to hear anyone,
Lonely, though surrounded by everyone...
Lonely, hurts really bad,
Life goes on, lonely, sad,
Denying the truth, being blue,
Wishing to remember what is true...
It is a sin to write this, but more of a sin to be bigoted of my thoughts,
I disclose them, my ways of thinking, and through them, take long walks;
In a glimpse of an eye I fall in the ditch of foolishness,
Disparaged for my mistake, I leave, choosing loneliness;
Loneliness torments me, whether I'm glum or not.
Unchasted, hidden and thinking,
Deep in thoughts, almost forgetting I am alive and breathing;
Relentlessly, it takes my thoughts, my shreds, my tears,
Leaving me nothing, but my fears;
My wound rankles.
It ravishes me, it reigns my sovereignty,
Leaving my death behind, but the death not being me;
Insanity's zest, what a sour taste,
Disgusts it, it runs back in haste;
To me, why? I do not know.
It knocks me down, strikes and kicks,
My blood and tears, together, mix;
As I feel rambling its displeasure through me and in;
The scream inside it, such a din;
Will never to be seen in someone else.
It wreaks its wrath and anger upon me,
I close my eyes, waiting bearingly;
I besiege the beast's bay,
It taking what I had left, it takes me away;
Never seeing the sunlight, ever, of any day.
My rage abducts me
Anger reigns upon me,
My eyes leak never-ending streams
Foolishness controls my mind.
My rage traps me
Drives me crazy, losing my sanity,
I try not to think, but stronger it gets
I try to stop it and pain upon my soul sets.
My rage feasts upon me
Tearing me in shreds,
Killing me inside
I start to cry.
My rage rapes me
I've got endless tears
I've never been so scared, never felt this fear
I don't want to cry, I don't want to be gone
I wait bearing it, and try to move on.
My rage leaves me
In shreds and tears,
Weak, scared, and the worst I fear.
I try to move, to do something,
But now, after my rage, I am worthless.
The first one is one of my favourites... I don't often have a favourite poem... but this one seems unique to me....:)
Walking Upon The Trail Of Tears
I walk upon the trail of tears,
As rain cries upon my shoulder;
I hear footsteps, following me,
I do not turn around to see who it is;
For it does not matter,
I walk as if they were never to be heard,
For in my mind, in my thoughts, they do not.
I keep on walking, as the steps fade, until I hear them no more,
I hear the screaming of each drop, as it hits the ground;
I hear it's crying and no other sound.
I feel rain's pain as I get wet and cold,
And still, rain's hand I hold.
I refuse to let go, I listen as the wind blows,
And as wind whispers to my ear;
Telling me to let go and move on,
But I tell it I will not leave it alone;
Angels start singing.
It does not express rage this time,
No thunder nor lightnings do I hear or find;
As rain's crying becomes less and less,
I leave it alone a bit, for moments of rest;
I leave it and go home.
Rain shows me the way towards home,
As letting light escape between the clouds;
Light and tears mix together,
Creating my path;
I walk upon it, look up at the clouds,
As its tears cross my cheeks, and smile.
Exist No More
Deep inside me, a singe lays,
The slaughter of thoughts, kills with days;
I shudder, the havoc, I try to shun,
I shudder, inside me although the flame continues to burn;
I try to curfew it.
The knavery of the flame, shimmers with pain,
It shuffles my thoughts and feelings;
The end comes, but it never had a beginning,
Suddenly, halcyon reigns;
The knavery, so haughty.
The flame burns me, piece by piece,
A marvel, never existing, the flame goes fierce;
I close my eyes, burning tears cross my face,
Burning bloody tears, what a disgrace;
Burns me inside out, me, existing, no more.
As I fight for my life,
It ends out in a life and death matter strife;
Full of clamour, it dwindles me,
Overwhelming my piety;
I try to solve the riddle painted upon my soul,
Underestimating evil's crushing sole;
I watch my soul lay upon the easel.
I watch as my soul gets painted in something superlicious,
Expressing itself upon me, furious;
And as passes the day,
Fury starts to sway;
Swilling me and my soul away,
Then, swaddles me.
Swindles swirl in my throughts,
Raveling me, swindles take then trots;
Taking me over, and over again,
Until I die, until my death they'll gain.
I do not want to discuss the matter of who Jennifer Cheyenne Williams was or is, or whoever she was to me. I shall not include any other poems on this chapter not for the reason that it would bother me, but again, I do not consider them one of my bests. I grew quite fond of the following poem though...
Saved by An Angel
Watching drops of blood, falling down, off my face
Something has happened, got drunk, something - what a disgrace
Seeing bottles of empty wine, whiskey and beer
A voice shouting I hear
The voice of an angel desperate of saving my life
While I see at my heart pointed a knife
It is not in my hand or in any other mortal's hand
The last page lies in front of me, from the book of Ayn Rand.
I read it, loudly so angel and devil can hear
Blood spills off my face, once again, a blood tear
Hearing death's call - tempted
Looking in angel's eyes - death defeated.